Dinophilia
by Evil-Sme-Schizo-Pip
Summary: What's this? Vegetarian raptors and successful businessman compys? Must be madnessand that's what it is! It has Alan Grant in itwhat more do you need? WARNING! Dinosaurman relationships
1. New Feelings & Fresh Meat

_**Chapter 1**_

The sun rose upon Alan Grant's bedroom and shone in through his window. He rolled over in his bed and put his arm sleepily over his lover Ellie. She was fast asleep.

Suddenly there was a tapping on the window. Alan rolled over and got out of bed and crpt over to the window. He noticed the tpaping was actually stones being thrown at it, but the aim was terrible, as if the person throwing it had very short arms, or even uncontrollable arms.

Suddenly a voice said form under his window:

"Spark-EY, Spark-EY!!!! ALAN!!!! Come take me for a walk!!!!"

Alan groaned and banged his head against the wall. it was his pet velociraptor Sparky, the hyperactive beast who wouldn't leave Alan alone.

Alan opened the window and stuck his head out.

"Sparky, PISS OFF, I'm trying ot get some sleep."

"Awww come on Alan you knwo you wanna come runnign wiht me" said Sparky, and he made a pouting face.

"Don't Sparky, you know I can't resist that look"

"Then come walkies!!!!"

After many raptor-dog eyed looks, Alan finally gave in and agreed to take Sparky out. He crept downstairs, and out the front door, but not before putting his trademark cowboy hat, neckercheif and huge sunglasses on.

"Alan????"

"Yes, Sparky..."

"You look STOOOPID."

"Thank you, Sparky"

They walked down teh road and into the local playground. It was only 6am, and thwey were the only ones there. Sparky hopped gleefully around Alan, singing to himself.

Alan looked across to the gate of the park and saw some teenagers walking in shouting. He sighed. Kids of today, he thought. Almost as annoying as Annoying Kids 1 & 2, what were their names, ahh yes Lex and Tim. Stupid kids.

Sparky looked up, and growled at the teenagers. Suddenly he leapt at them and giggled, while slashing their stomachs open.

"Slashy, slashy!!!!"

Alan chuckled. Sparky could be annoying but he sure did know how to have a good time. Sparky ran up to him with a bit of intestine in his mouth. Alan took it out and threw it across the field. As Sparky ran off, Alan sighed again. He ahd been havign more and more mixed feelings towards Sparky lately. Butterflies in his stomach. Sure, Ellei was sexy and never changed out of her blue tank top but her constant want for sex and groaning whenever she ran up hills to meet him wasn't enough for him. He wanted dinosaur lovin'...


	2. Bad News & Underwear

_**Chapter 2**_

Later that day Alan was in the kitchen with an apron tied aorund his waist, cooking scrambled eggs for him and Ellie. He opened a can of dried carcus for Sparky and put it in his dish.

"Spark-EY wants what you're having!!!!"

"No, Sparky you know eggs give you terrible diarhhoea." Alan replied as Ellie walked in the kichen yawning.

Sparky blushed and picked up his bowl in his mouth, spent a few seconds opening the back door to teh garden then galloped out and played with his food.

"Awww, he's so sweet." Said Ellie, as she watched Sparky chase his tail, then bite it and run around screaming.

Alan served the eggs and they ate in silence. Then the phone rang and Ellie stood up to get it, a little too quickly. Alan raised an eyebrow, as you do, as Ellie's face clouded over after picking up the phone.

"Oh no. No. Alright. Alright, John. Ok we'll be over soon. Ok, John. YES, John ok. Ok. Bye."

"Who was it????"

"John. It's terrible, Alan, Sparky's family have got loose."

"Oh, shite. What, Spotty and SpDotty????"

"Yes!!!! And even worse...ROGER!!!!"

Roger was Sparky's evil cousin, renowned for his famous and brutal killing of King of the Cool Dudes-Robert Muldoon. Spotty, Sparky's brother, and best friend was thought to have been locked in a freezer by Tim, but apparently he was let out by SpDotty, Spotty's twin.

"B-b-but surely, that's not bad. Spotty and SpDotty are ok, and Roger is a handful, but it won't take long to sort out...oh what's wrong" Alan stopped tlaking seeing the look on Ellie's face.

"A-and, John wants me to wash his underwear."

Ellie fought back the urge to vomit, and looked at Sparky basking in the sunlight, unaware that his beloved owners would have to go on a loooong and probably eventful journey. And all Alan could think about was returning home to Sparky's warm and welcoming smile, hugging him with those strong raptor arms and-

"Alan???? You're drooling, sweetie."


	3. Afros & Hammond

_**Chapter 3**_

"Where're we going???? Where, where???? Sparky hopped and skipped around alan as he tried to pack.

"I'M going to England with Ellie, to stop your family destroying the IMAX theatre. Not WE."

Sparky stopped and his face drooped.

"No Sparky???? No Sparky and Alan and Ellie????"

Sparky and Alan. Alan loved hearing those two words together.

"Fraid not Sparky." Alan hadn't even considered Sparky coming. Maybe, maybe it was a good idea???? "Well..."

Sparky ran his claws up and down Alan's arm, his eyes bright and sparkly. Sparkly Sparky, that's what Alan used to call him. Back in their college years, when they had afros and got high.of course, that never happened, since dinosaurs couldn't go to college, but Alan liek thinking of alternative ways for them to have met, other than on John Hammond's island when Sparky had been looking for a friend, and Alan had kicked his face in.

Alan shuddered at Sparky's soft touch. "Ok. You can come. Go pack."

10 minutes later they were all ready, Alan and Ellie had small suitcases considering tey wore the same things everyday and Sparky had a pink handbag.

"Right" Alan said. "Let's go catch that plane."

Alan and Ellie, and of course Sparky were walking toward the small and compact Jet. It was sent by John Hammond, a crazy old millionaire who truly was a walking bag of crazy potatoes.

"Ellie! Alan. Come over here into the jet, it's about to take off."

"Spark-EY wants some peanuts!" Said Sparky, begging at Alan with his raptordog eyes.

"Sparky I don't think they have any. You'll just have to do without!"

"Alan! ME WANT PEANUTS!" Sparky shouted and started gnawing at Alans arm. Alan found this habit very annoying and quite painful, but he knew that Sparky would stop soon enough.

Then bursting through with an insane smile, John produced a packet of peanuts.

"Hurrah! Peanuts yummy!" Sparky jumped up and down and then used his little claws to open the peanut packet. But since his hands were pathetic and couldn't even hold a martini, he struggled with it for the whole flight.

Alan as usual chuckled and looked lovingly at Sparky, soon he was thinking what it'd be like to kiss that sweet, deadly creature.

Then abrubtly Ellie interupted and talked to Alan about their "relationship." Alan stared into space as the Jet was flying through the air and far into the clouds.


	4. Patrick & Planes

_**Chapter 4**_

Just as Alan had begun to doze off he realised they were descending back towards the ground. He looked around and John Hammond was staring rightat him his nose about 2 cms away from Alans.

"What the hell?" Alan questioned

"Well hello stranger. Want to talk about something?" Hammond said in a girly voice. Alan shuddered as he remembered that's just how his mother used to speak.

"Why in God's name are we descending? We haven't been on this plane for 48 hours! I should I've been counting. And another thing why is there no in-flight movie? I wanna watch a documentary on dinosaurs."

Well we are descending because we are picking up another passenger, Malcolm Ian. Also because I need to pick up my dry cleaning." Johs eyes were now extremely shifty at this point.

Alan suddenly made a mental note in his head, Never talk to this man again! Alan saw his little darling, Sparky waking up and Alan wandered over to him.

"Sparky are you ok? Did you have a good sleep? Do you need some more peanuts?"

"Spark-EY wuv Alan, Spark-EY wants peanuts." Said Sparky in a sleepy dream voice

Alan smiled and squeaked with pleasure. This was the sort of thing he had been dreaming of. But before he could think more kinky fantasies they had landed on the runaway to await a small, ugly looking man, who looked like a dinosaur hater. It was Malcolm.

"Hallo, Grant."

"Hi Ian, I mean Malcolm, I mean, sorry what's your last name again????"

"I have no idea. People just call me Patrick."

"Ok Patrick. Hi."

"Hi"

During this stimulating converation, Sparky had sneaked over to Patrick. He pounced and bit off his hand.

"Yummy!!!! Spark-EY yummy hand!!!!"

"Hehe, that tickled!!!!" Patrick giggled.

Ellie and John came running over concerned.

"Ian!!!! Or Malcolm, or-"

"It's Patrick"

"Patrick didn't that hurt????"

"No, I became addicted to painkillers after I tried to commit suicide after my 13th divorce, and I got fired from my job as I lost half my brain in a boating accident."

Alan blinked. "Well aren't you just a lump of sunshine."

Patrick smiled at Alan.

"Yes, I suppose I am" And he started gnawing on his other wrist, as Sparky played with his hand.


	5. Pam & Birds

_**Chapter 5**_

As the loooong plane journey went on, gradually everyone else fell asleep, Alan stayed awake, uncomfortable in his seat. Why did he always have to get the crappy seatbelt???? Also, he couldn't get Sparky outta his mind. He also failed to see what he and the others were doign going to sort out the velociraptor problem, they weren't the most efficient of people. A dinophile, a hillbilly, a crazy man who wears bright white, a guy with half a brain and one hand who can't remember his name, and a hyperactice dinosaur. This was gonna be a long trip.

36 hours later, the plane started shaking.

Ellie woke with a start. "Are we going through turbulence????"

John Hammond shoved his face into the window. Literally.

"Ow. No it's just Pam trying to eat us."

Everyone groaned and relaxed. Pam the T-Rex always tried to eat people, but since she hurt her neck in a, er, boating accident she can't eat anyone without using her arms, and, well, they're 5 cm long.

5 minutes later Pam stopped playing with the plane and it landed. Ellie held out a hand to Alan for him to take, and he took it, rather reluctantly. Patrick stood up and then was run down Sparky, who was racing to get off the plane first. Alan tilted his ehad on one side to look at Sparky's behind, but Ellie giggled, thinking he was looking at her.

"Right!!!!" John got up, quickly and unsubtly stowing away his crack, and stumbled into the nearest door. It happened to be the toilet. He came out again, and fell down the steps from the plane, ad into a heap on the ground, where everyone else walked over him.

"So where are these birds????" Patrick said rubbing hsi hands together.

Everyone looked at him.

"Er...birds????" Alan said.

"Yeah, remember all those years ago we went on that island and met a loada kilelr birds and-"

"Patrick, they were dinosaurs."

"No, you said they were birds."

"I said they were like birds"

"Oh. Ok then. Then what are dinosaurs????"

Alan slapped a hand to his forehead.


	6. Raptors & Erections

_**Chapter 6**_

The group had arrived at the National Science Museum in London. From the end of the street they could all see something had happened. Potholes were in the ground, the whole museum had been cordoned off with a very safe, protecting thin red cord and many suited officials were patrolling the area with a badge saying-"I saw dinosaurs at the IMAX theatre".

"Bloody hell..." Alan ran a hand through his hair, and wondered again what the hell he was doing there.

Suddenly a man came rushing out of the entrance, pushing screaming women and high rowdy teenagers out of the way. He ran over to the group and shook their hands one by one. But when the group aprted and he saw Sparky, very politely holding out his claw, he screamed and collapsed ot the floor shouting "Don't hurt me, don't hurt me!!!!"

"Calm down, sir, he's tame."

"Spark-EY is hurt!!!! Spark-EY hates mean old man" said Sparky, before lying down on the pavement and rocking back and forth. Alan sat down next to him and comforted him, while Patrick picked his nose, and Ellie rushed forward to explain.

"This raptor is fine, he's our pet. Apart form a few diarrhoea problems he's fiiiine. Now who are you????"

The man recovered and got to his feet, wiping the dust off his suit.

"I am Frederick Stefanopolisnopolopolaspopodopolous. I own the museum. All my staff except him-"he pointed to a middle-aged man with a monobrow standing next to the museum steps hunched over looking at everyone with shifty eyes-"who is a good man and not at all an evil character in any way, and him-"he pointed to a dude in shorts and a shirt, who was obviously a hunter, since he had a gun, and wore a cowboy hat-"who is a cool dude and all the stakes say he'll be eaten first."

Alan stared, then rubbed his eyes and stood up. "Wait a minute isn't that-"

"Bob Muldoon. Robert's brother. The one who calls itself Roger has had it's eye on him ever since it escaped."

"Darn it, he's good looking" said John Hammond and began to rub his crotch.

"ARGH ARGH SPARKY DISTURRRRRBED!!!!" screamed Sparky and started trying to scratch otu your eyes.

"NO NO SPARKY YOUR EYES ARE YOUR MOST BEAUTIFUL FEATURE!!!!" screamed Alan and jumped on top of Sparky. They rolled around like this for a minute then Sparky calmed down and stared at Alan.

"Alan????"

"Yeah."

"What's that sticking into my stomach????"

Alan jumped up and ran behind a lampost. A few minutes later he emerged, blushing. This problem was getting worse and worse...


	7. Velocirexes & TRaptors

_**Chapter 7**_

Following the embarrassing incident outside, Alan asked to be let in to the museum to see what was going on.

"No, no, no!!!! You mustn't go in until nightfall, it's much scarier and more dangerous and Pam comes out then."

"Bu-"

"Ah ah ah!!!!" said Frederick Stefanopolisnopolopolaspopodopolous. "Come with me to my trailer, and we can talk until nightfall. ALLLLLL 6 of us."

"I'd rather bite off my own hand-"then Patrick started gnawing on Alan's wrist "-on second thoughts forget that, let's go"

At last the day came to an end, and many bottles of milk, games of Scrabble, (usually ending in Sparky tipping the board over) and gazes from Alan to Sparky later, it began to pour with rain, and night fell.

"You know what we're missing????" said Alan. "A couple of kids for me to get lost with and spend the rest of our expedition learning that I actually love kids."

"But you hate kids." Ellie pointed out.

"I know." And he led the group out of Fred's trailer and into the grounds of the museum.

"Maybe we should get in the cars and drive around looking for escaped raptors????" said Patrick.

"What's the point????"Alan scorned. "There're only 3!!!!"

"Er, no there aren't. They've been breeding. There are now 29.5"

Strange looks.

"Spotty, who was nearly frozen to death, was released when only half of him was frozen. Now he walks rather lopsidedly."

Strange looks.

"Shut up..."

"Wait a minute, how can they breed, they're all male" Ellie said.

"No they're all female" John protested.

"Spark-EY knows Spark-EY's family. They be alllll men!!!!"

"Ha!!!! I knew they'd mate!!!! I'm always right!!!! Patrick danced.

They let him finish then carried on speaking. Fred was shaking his head.

"No, no NO!!!! They didn't mate with each other!!!! There's only one other female here."

Everyone gasped.

"They mated with...ELLIE????" John cried out.

Fred looked confused.

"Ok, there are only TWO females here..."

Everyone gathped.

"PAM!!!!"


	8. Kids & Storms

_**Chapter 8**_

"How the hell did this happen?" asked Alan in a curious voice.

"Who knows, but I kn ow I didn't mate them." Said John with shifty eyes. Being the only dinosaur Sparky decided to say something interesting and topical.

"Holy mashed potatoes!"

"What did that cute dinosaur just say?" asked Alan trying to hide the desire to do kinky things to that dinosaur.

"Well come on people into the building it's getting dark. It's time to be scared and for half us to be eaten! But wait a minute.....Ah here they come."

"Granpa!" The two annoying kids, annoying kid one and two were back with avengence.

"Oh god!" Alan exclaimed. He really hated those kids but in the end he liked them, but that feeling had faded.

During this intriguing conversation Ian/Patrick/Malcom(WHATEVER!) and Ellie were doing some stupid experiment with water.

"But Patrick, your theory is completely irrelevant and nonsensical. I don't understand."

"Neither do I, Dr. I think It's just an excuse to stroke your hand."

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a bolt of lightning hit the ground, causing a shake and sent everyone flying. Alan recovered quickly, and stood up in the middle of the dust, and found out everyone was seperated.

"Ellie!!!! Sparky!!!!"

But it was no use. He couldn't find anyone. Then he heard the sound that woudl haunt him to his grave.

"I read your book you know."

He was with the Annoying kids...again.


	9. Hannah & Bob

**_Chapter 9_**

Meanwhile, Ellie stumbled around the dark place she was in and found a wall. She was inside the msueum!!!! She fumbeld around for a light switch and soon the whole room illuminated. There on the floor was Fred, Bob, Hannah (the Polish evil guy with a monobrow), and John all sprawled out. There was no sign of Sparky, Patrick or the kids, but the one Ellie was really worried about was Alan. He always managed to get away from her.

"Are you guys ok???? That was some thunderstorm"

John looked around for his glasses, before realising he had sat on them, and grabbed his walking stick and got up.

"SHIT!!!! I lost the brats again. Fuck me, my daughter's gonna be so pissed."

"Stop worrying about yourself John, we have to think abotu the ones we love, Annoying Kid 1, and 2, and Alan." Said Ellie with tears in her eyes. She picked up a bowl of ice crema on the floor and started eating.

"Dr, that's Roger's crap bowl" said Fred, who had got up.

"EWWWW!!!!" Ellie dropped it, turned round and started retching. By this time everyone else had stood up, apparently all unhurt and rushed over to where John and Ellie were standing.

"Well" said Bob, "We're safe. We're in the Control Room of the museum, none of the dinosaurs got in here." Just like his brother, he had an incredibly British accent, squinty eyes, a cigar in his mouth, and was polishing his gun with his portable Gun Polish, bought from Tesco's.

"So you're the one suspected to die first, eh. And yet you're the only one with a gun. Funny that." Ellie pondered.

Bob raised his eyebrows. "We need to find those kids. I'll get the LandRover"

Ellie nodded. "Im coming with you."

John blushed and giggled at Bob. "Why thank you stranger." And he blew him a kiss.

"You disgust me" Bob said and him and Ellie went outside to find the others.

"Right, well, it's been great, but I'm off for a walk." Hannah said, taking a can of women's body spray with him.

Fred shook his head. "I just know I'm going to die."


	10. Spotty & SpDotty

_Chapter 10_

**_Bold, italic, underlined_**=kids!!!!

And as for Sparky, he was all on his own. **_Awwww_**. C'mon that wasn't good enough, do it again-he was _alllll_ alone.

_**AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!**_

That's better.

"Crimeny cricket!!!!" thought Sparky, "I gotta find Alan, or make some new friends, and fast!!!!"

But before he could say another word, he saw a large shape hobbling towards him. It took a few steps, then fell on one side, then took another few steps, then fell again. Everytime it fell it made a large _clunk_. Sparky was afraid. He scrambled into a corner of the room he was in and whimpered for the shape not to hurt him. However, as it came nearer, the shape began to take, well, shape.

"Spott-EY!!!!"

"Sparky!!!!"

The brothers embraced, awkwardly, as Spotty was still half frozen.

"Brother, Spark-EY thought he'd lost you forever!!!!"

"We all thoguht you'd been kidnapped, Spark. What happened???? Did those nasty humans treatcha bad????"

"Oh no, I wasn't kidnapped Spott-EY. I made a friend in them!!!! Alan is soooo cool, he really likes me, and he takes me for walks and he touches me ina ll the right places."

"Sounds like you got yourself a dinophile. You be careful"

Sparky didn't understand, but before he could ask, another figure bounded towards them.

"Sparky!!!!"

"SPDotty!!!! I thought Pam got you!!!!"

"Nope, I ran away just in time, instead she took Roger to her love den. Now we've gotta bunch of the little brats running around, destroying the place, giving us raptors a bad name. And we're not bad, are we kids????"

_**Nooooooooooooooooooo!!!!**_

"And who is bad????" SpDotty appeals to his audience.

_**ROGER!!!!**_

"That's right."

Sparky and Spotty nodded in agreement. They all chatted for awhile, then decided to help Sparky find his owner.

And off they went.

****

In other places, Roger was plotting with his eldest son, er, running outta names here, let's say Tony. Tony was larger than most raptors, and had his mother's arms, and head. It was a strange combination, but it scared people well enough, which did the trick in Roger's eyes.

"So, it's Muldoon we want. D'you remember the plan, Tony????"

"Er..., sure do bwoss. I hide in the bushes and watch him for a while, you pounce an' I'll turn into a snake and steal his hat."

"NO, NO, NO!!!! I said there will be a snake there, for effect, I must keep up my traditions you know." Roger slapped Tony round the head. "And for Gawd's sakes, it's that Grant's aht we want, not Muldoon's."

"Ok, dad, er, bwoss, er, sir."

"Shut up."


	11. Dreaming & Mating

Alan smashed Timmy's head against a rock, ignoring Lex's screams. Then he grabbed the terrified girl and put his hand round her throat and squeezed...

Tighter...

And tighter...

"Dr. Grant!!!! Wake up!!!!" Annoying kid 1 shook Alan awake then stepped back quickly as he groaned loudly. He was having the most wonderful of dreams.

"What...what do you want????"

He stood up and soon realised as he saw Annoying kid 2, aka Tim, standing in front of none other than Pam the T-Rex.

"Oh shite. SHITE, Tim get back!!!! She gets horny when men are around!!!!"

And he lunged forward and grabbed Timmy back just as Pam was about to throw her pink scarf on him, choosing him as her next mate. Alan threw Timmy and Lex under each arm and ran for his life.

Bob and Ellie drove around the grounds of the museum in their Jeep, searching with flashlights for Alan and the kids. Soon they drove up to a giant crater in the ground.

"Oh no," said Bob, "This is Pam's mating area..."

Then came a large and pained groan from a mound of leaves next to Pam's bed. Bob and Ellie ran over to it and pushed away all the leaves. There, in little holes, were piles of eggs, a few DinoSex® toys, and previous lovers all groaning and rubbing their legs in pain. Most, in fact all of the lovers were raptors, apart from someone on the end...

"Patrick!!!!"

"Owwww..." he moaned. "I can't move..."

"Shall we chance moving him????" Ellie asked Bob.

From the distance came a loud roar, and suddenly Christina Aguilera's "Dirrty" played across the grounds of the museum.

"Oh no", said Bob. "Pam's mating song!!!!"

They grabbed Patrick, who was too in pain to protest, and threw him in the back of the Jeep. Bob got in the driver's seat; made sure Ellie was in, and then drove as fast as he could.

"Quick!!!!" screamed Ellie, turning around, "She's gaining on us!!!!"

Bob put his foot down and gradually the car began to move out of sight from the T-Rex.

"You should have left me there..." said Patrick weakly.

"We never leave anyone behind Paddy!!!!" Ellie rubbed his shoulders.

"No, I mean, Pam was the best sex I ever had..."

And he passed out, just missing the disgusted looks on Ellie and Bob's faces.


	12. Betrayal & Other things relating to thei...

_**Chapter 12**_

"Hurry up Tony!!!! Keep up!!!! You're mum is going to kill us..."

Roger and Tony were rushing as fast as they could through the trees, to get back to Pam, and hopefully the dinner she would be bringing back. Roger liked being a family now, he was actually starting to like Pam and Tony.

"I'm...I'm...I'm comin'...bwoss..." Tony struggled to keep up.

Roger streaked fast as a cheetah back to Pam, but when he got there he met a sore sight.

"Pam!!!!"

Pam jumped up, and attempted to cover up the raptor in bed beside her, but it was too late. Roger had seen the poor soul lying next to her.

"Pam..." Roger had tears in his eyes he never knew he had. "I thought you loved me..."

"Roger, I'm sorry, I just needed something more in my life. It's stress bringing up all these kids, and not having any help around the hou-, nest, and you're off all day hunting Bob, and-"she trailed off.

Roger gulped back the sob, turned around and fled as far away as he could. Tony had just caught up.

"Awww no bwoss, are we off again????"

And he followed his dad.

Pam sighed and attempted to put her head in her hands, if it wasn't for her neck disability and her 5cm arms. Her lover, who was moaning in pain like the rest of the unwilling souls, crawled out of the nest and collapsed.

Meanwhile, Sparky and his brothers were running around the grounds of the museum looking for Alan. Sparky told them how great he was, and they wanted to meet their brother's gay lover, I mean friend.

"Sparky???? Can we eat soon????"

"Spark-EY knows that Alan will have food for Spark-EY and you two."

"But I'm hungry now. And I can't run as fast as a cheetah all day."

"ARGH!!!!" butt in Spotty. "There's Pam!!!!"

They tried to hide but Pam reached them. Don't worry guys, I'm not gonna take you to bed. Roger just foudn out my mating problem.

"Oh." Spotty said. "Sorry Pam. Is there anything we can do????"

Sparky and SpDotty tried to make frantic signals behind Pam to stop Spotty but he said it anyway.

"Anything, eh????"

"Errrr, sorry Pam btu we gotta go." SpDotty said quickly and they ran away and looked for Alan again.


	13. Sam Neill & Hannah

_**Chapter 13**_

John Hammond, the walking bag of crazy potatoes, was striding, or hobbling rather up and down Fred Stefanopolisnopolopolaspopodopolous' lodgings with a frown on his face. The Polish monobrowed guy called Hannah had not come back from his obviously completely innocent outing to which he did not say the destination was.

"I want my grandkid's back!!!!" John said impatiently, in rather a higher voice than normal.

"Calm down, and take your crack."

John took it, then collapsed into a chair.

"Hehehe only kidding i hated those son of a bitches. I hope that paedophile Grant rapes them good."

Fred stood up quickly.

"There is nothing wrong with Dr. Grant. He is a wonderful man!!!!"

"Oh no not you too. He warped you with his choas theory did he????"

"That's Patrick. Well, before he had a boating accident."

"My god, I've been calling him Alan!!!! Who's Alan then????"

"The guy with the hat and the raptor."

"I know the guy with the hat, but he has a pink elephant."

"Yeah sure, whatever." Fred backed away and then ran as far as he possibly could. Suddenly the prospect of being eaten was appealing to him.

Hannah the Polish monobrowed guy was staring at the entrance to the museum's IMAX theatre.

"Theese ees eet." He said. He was about to do what no Polish guy had ever done before. Steal the world largest cubic zirconia!!!! Why it was in the IMAX theatre nobody knows, but it was there and he was gonna steal it.

He put his hand tentatively on the door handle, and POOSHED it, as John 'Hammy' Hammond would say. He had closed his eyes to make the effect brilliant but when he opened them he shouted "OI!!!!" instead. There, pounced on top of the cubic zirconia, scratching it and ruining it, but actually trying to pick it up, was a black clad cat...burglar. He also happened to be Sam Neill...

For you Simpson's experts you should see where I'm going with this.

"Mwahhahahahahahahaha!!!!" said Samthecatburglar. And he picked up the cubic zirconia and put it in his mouth, which happened to be, er, very big...???? and he ran away on his cat like feet.

Aaaaand then Hannah got attacked by lets say a mouse. And he died. Phew that's one down.


	14. Heartfelt Reunion &Thinkin' of Alan

_**Chapter 14**_

Bob was driving the Jeep really fast for no particular reason. He ahd been dreaming about Alan (who doesn't) and had gotten lost, but couldn't fnd the courage to tell Ellie so just kept driving.

Ellie on the other hand was sitting in the back, also thinking about Alan, (who doesn't) and playing card games with Patrick.

"Hey Ellie, you know chaos theory????"

"No"

"Me neither"

"Cool"

Patrick couldn't remember anything except the sounds of T-Rex sex, and he was thinking vaguely about a threesome with Alan joining (who do-wait...) and was fairly preoccupied so he lsot all 132 games of snap.

Tim was walking alongside Alan, thinking about Alan (who doesn't) and wondering if Grandpa had died yet.

Lex was skipping along, as she couldn't wait to get back home and tell her friends she had seen a rela live dino...phile!!!!

They were walking across a large field, which had been used to keep the museum's sheep. (?) Suddenly, they heard a noise form the other end of the field, in the trees.

"What's that????" siad Timmy.

"It sounds like a raptor!!!!" said Alan excitedly. He did hope it was Sparky. "Just a minute I'll get out my Raptorian-English Dictionary.

He brought out a large book from his rucksack and flicked through the pages.

"I knew it!!!! CAR ACKKA ACKKA CAR AROOOOOOO!!!!" said Alan in a distinguishable tone of Raptorian. "They are calling me!!!!"

He dropped the book in happiness and screamed across the field-

"SPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPARRRRRKYY!!!!"

Silence. The Raptorian noises had stopped. A rustling, a frantic muttering, and a few seconds later-

"ALLLLLAAAAANNN!!!!"

They spotted eachother at opposite ends of the field. They both burst out in laughter, and some tears and streaked towards eachother, in slow motion however, with cheese music playing in the background.

"Oh god, Sparky I missed you!!!!"

"Me too Alan let's never be parted again"

They hugged like there was no tomorrow, Sparky licking the back of Alan's neck, and, er, Alan doing the same. Lex looked at Tim, and Spotty looked at SpDotty, worriedly. Then they shrugged.

"Spark-EY WUVS Alan!!!!"

"Alan wuvs Spanky too!!!!"

"Spanky????"

"Sorry, er, Sparky. I meant Sparky..."

They rambled on at eachother for a long time, saying how they missed and wuvved eachother. SpDotty and the others were baffled. They couldn't understand the fuss.

After all, it had only been ½ an hour...


	15. Sir Kibblespit & Reviewers

_**Chapter 15**_

Author's note: In light of the lovely review I just got, I would like to say that SCREW YOU YOU STUPID IDIOT, DON'T YOU EVER EVER ACCUSE ME OF CORRUPTING ALAN'S CHARACTER. IF YOU WERE A TRUE JP FAN YOU WOULD KNOW THAT NOTHING AND NO ONE COULD CORRUPT THE WONDER THAT IS JURASSIC PARK AND ALAN IS UNCORRUPTABLE. Too scared to put your log in name, are you? You're pathetic. Fanfiction is for fan's fiction, and this is mine. If you don't like it, DON'T READ IT YOU ARSEHOLE. I spit on you.

Sooo, Alan, Sparky, Spotty, Tim, Lex and SpDotty were walking along. Lex kept tripping herself up just so Alan would grab her and pick her up again. Lex smiled smugly-Alan was one hot bugger. Tim was jealous so he tripped himself up, but found himself being picked up by SpDotty instead, who smiled flirtily at him. Tim ran ahead, scared.

Later on, Alan heard a noise in the bushes. He signalled at everyone to get back, and crept forward warily. Suddenly, a Procompsognathus (compy) jumped out of the bushes and nipped him on the nose, playfully. Alan swore and lashed out at it, but Sparky hopped forward and pushed him back.

"No, Alan!!!!" he said. "This is a friend!!!!"

"A friend???? IT BLOODY BIT ME ON THE NOSE!!!!"

"He was only playing Alan" Raptordogeyes...

"Ooooh ok, what's it's name"

Then the compy skipped forward, and revealed he was wearing a monacle and a top hat, with a walking stick in his claw.

"My name, dear sir, is Sir Jiggelwit Kibblespit, of Kibblespit Enterprises. It is a pleasure to meet you aquaintance"

Alan, a little bemused by the intelligence and class of the animal, shook it's claw while gibbering nonsense.

"Do you...do you scavenge...like normal...????"

"Oh yes, Kibblespit Enterprises is all about scavenging. We make a lot of money you know."

"O-o-of course..."

"Indeed" Kibblespit smiled.

"Could you, er scavenge something for me...er, Sir Kibblespit."

"Indeed."

"There's a guy who is an imposter ME fan, and I don't take kindly to him. He reviews my stories quite badly you know."

"I will have it sorted immediately."

And with that he went and dragged Evil Reviewing Guy into the open and ate his heart. After all, he only lives with his mum, in her basement doing unspeakable things to himself, while spending all his tiem on the computer being nerdy and fat with COMPELTE lack of girlfriends.

So no one will miss him.

"I'm beginning to like this compy." Said Alan, and they carried on walking.


	16. Strip Poker & Vegetarians

So, As the troop marched on; Alan and Sparky, SpDotty and Timmy, Lex and Sir Kibblespit and Spotty and errr.....a mouse. Were happily marching like a troop of marchers until they came to a rather confusing sign. This sign unlike all the others actually existed.

"Ooh what is this? It scares and confuses me." Said Alan in awe.

"Can I touch it?" Said Sparky. Preparing to poke it and or prod it.

"No don't"Replied Sir Kibblespit. "We might be sued for doing it because it might go against the rules and offend people." (HINT HINT!)

As this strange episode was going on Patrick was trying to play strip poker with Ellie but was failing miserably. They ahd managed to reach the control room where Hammond was.

"Right, royal flush once again. I think I'll have your sunglasses now."Said Ellie with a smirk.

"But...But they make me look cool! Whined Patrick

"I don't think anything could do that, what with your dinosexing ways."

Then Hammond or Hammy as his friends called him (no one called him this since that would imply that he actually had friends...He didn't! Like one reviewer who knows who it is!)

"I'll play strip poker! Let me catch up!" And with this me took off his shirt and trousers revealing a bra, knickers, garter belt, stockings and suspenders.

Everyone groaned and ended the game abruptly.

Meanwhile, Frederick Stefanopolisnopolopolospopodopolous, the hotel owner had been running from Hammond in fright. He now realised he was lost in the grounds of his own museum. It was still dark, and the lights that were normally on outside had been turned off unexpectedly.

All was silent.

Then...

"ARRRR RAPTOR RAPTOR ACCA ACCA BOO BOO!!!!"

Roger leapt out of the darkness and ripped off Fred's face who screamed in pain.

Tony followed his dad rather curiously, and then winced at what his dad was doing.

"Do you, er, have to do that, bwoss????"

Roger finished mauling and looked up.

"Yes I bloody well do have to do this Tony. I'm a carnivore, and he was a walking target."

"Dad, I, er think I'm turning vegetarian."

Roger choked on a bit of lung and gathped.

"WHAT????"

"Don't hit me dad!!!!"

"You useless piece of crap, oh god, as soon as I've finished eating Muldoon here, I'll-wait a minute..." he looked at the corpse. "THAT'S NOT MULDOON!!!!"

Alan and Sparky heard the loud scream of anger and looked at eachother worriedly. No good would come of this...


	17. Bitching & Lipsuction

As the scream echoed around the museum everyone leapt up in a some what comical fashion, well everyone except Patrick who couldn't since he is a loser and quite possibly crippled (who knows anymore!?!) Anyway the lonely sign pokers were sitting down for a spot of lunch Sparky had prepared earlier.

"Hmmm, this is delicious Sparky. What is it?; Alan wondered as he started at Sparky in his little chef hat and apron which read 'Kiss the cook' My god Alan wanted too, he stared at Sparky and a wave of desire flooded over him and then he suddenly had to run off behind a tree.

"Errr.....it's, Take it Timmy!" Said Sparky.

"Galli....galli....Gallimimus!" Stuttered Timmy while he made a move on SpDotty.

"Well err it's good Gallimimus." Said Alan still behind that damn tree. And then suddenly he noticed someone standing next to him. It was Paaaaam. He didn't know how he had missed her, but he did like in many films about dinosaurs which we're all familiar with.

"Pam? What?" Said Lex deciding she hadn't said anything in a while.

"Oh god it's been hell today." Said Pam lighting a cigarette" Have you seen the thigh on that raptor, McDotty? My god he needs lipo! Totally raspberry!" Said Paaaaam in a weird accent and then when everyone had stopped being in shock (actually that never happened) Paaaam started to commence bitching some more.

"What're you doing behind that tree Alan???? Tart tut, raise eyebrow hand on hip" Pam spoke her actions.

"Errrr, nothing. Have some-

Timmy: "Galli, galli, gallimimus!!!!"

"Yeha have some of that"

"No thanks Im watching my figure. Do you guys think I look fat in this pink skirt"

Spotty: "No"

SpDotty: "No"

Sparky: "No"

Alan: "Well...no"

"OH MY GOD IT DOES DOESN'T IT!!!!" and she ran off crying to call the lipsuction doctor.

"Alan!!!! Always say no to girls when tehy ask you if they look fat!!!!"

"Sorry, im not good around girls."

"But you sure did score one hot mamma" Timmy said, then high fived Spotty and SpDotty who whooped dog style. They all suddenly had spliffs in their hands.

Alan felt very out of place.


	18. Martinis & Morphine

_**Chapter 18**_

After the Pam incident everyone was a bit shaken up. They all talked about it and decided that it was best kept a secret as discussing it with people outside the group could have disasterous effects. However as they got closer to the main part of the museum, they all felt hungry. The restaurant was nearby so they decided to take a detour to eat.

"Spark-EY wants a martini!" Whined Sparky pitifully

"But you know you can't hold them, you always make a mess everywhere!" Said Alan

As Timmy was pretty out of it being high with Spotty and SpDotty he took the situation into his own hands or 6 inch claws or whatever!

"Let him have the drink! Come on loosen up dude, when did you lose it?"

"Lose what?" Queried Alan.

"Your cool!" Said Timmy while high fiving Spotty and SpDotty but failing 'cos they were soooo out of it.

Lex smiled but was promptly slapped for being just so bloody annoying! Sir Kibblespit looked but couldn't give a damn since he was only concerned for his business. He wondered how the scavenging 'biz' could survive by itself. He sighed a mix of boredom and fatigue.

Meanwhile, The rest of the gang were looking anxiously looking at Bob waiting for him to die because it was soo obviously gonna happen.

"Are you dead yet?"Asked Hammy

"For the last time, NO!" Shouted Bob

"Ok, how bout now?"

"NO!!!" And with that Bob walked off into the darkness of the museum.

"I better go with him" Ellie said.

"Make sure he dies!!!!" called out Patrick from his morphine phase. They had pumped him full of the stuff and now his true feelings towards Hammy were starting to show. He kept rubbing his arm whenever he walked past, and he thought, he JUST thought, that maybe Hammy felt the same...

They were alone.

"John..."

"Sssh, my darling one, do not speak" John rushed to his bedside. "I know how you feel, and I feel it too."

"You do????" Patrick had tears in his eyes, and he was SURE they weren't just the morphine.

"Yes, Patrick, Paddy, I, I LOVE you."

"Hammy!!!! I love you too!!!!" and they kissed gently, then harder, harder, and Hammy jumped on top of Paddy and-

Ok. We'll leave it there.


	19. Warren & Jauntiness

Chapter 19

So as Hammy and Paddy were lying next to each other in the prehistoric section of the museum they both thought about the future.

"So, err whats err, your favourite film?" Said Patrick in a desperate attempt to get to know Hammy.

"I must say I did take a liking to Creataceous park. I loved that guy in it, what's his name.... Kibblespit?"

"Yeah I think that's it."

And so their amazing and bubbling converstion went on. While that was happening Bob and Ellie were trying to find Alan and the kids.

"I hope we find them soon there are raptors and stuff out here. Also I think there's something following us." Ellie said looking over her shoulder.

"Nonsense you've got me here, I'll protect you. But still lets see if something is following us." Bob replied with his rifle pointing at the darkness, then suddenly it came out of nowhere, a whiney annoying noise.

"Hey, wait up, please? I'm scared." Said the little voice of a Spinosaurus.

"Bloody move!!!!" Bob said to ellie and poked his rifle into the Spinosaurus' visibly reduced snout. "Are you dangerous????"

"Awwwww-uh, everyone judges me-uh, it's not faaaaaair" whined the dinosaur. "I'm coooooold I need a jumper, awwwwwww-uh why don't they ever have my size-uh, it's not faaaair. No one ever likes me, I was friends with Pam, but she told me to have a snout job, and I look stuuuuuupid, and I haaaate it, but I can't affo-"

"Bloody shut up!!!!"

Ellie sensed another whine coming on, so she told the dinosaur he could follow them, but he'd have to-

"be quiet!!!!" Stop whining, what's you name anyway????"

"Warren...they call me Warren the Whiny Spiny, it's not faaaair, I haaaate them-"

"Bloody die!!!!" Bob raised his gun.

"No Bob, stop it."

"ehhh stupid woman **mumblin**g tell me what to do...bloody..bloody..."

"Now let's find Alan and the others already!!!!"

Then, out of the blue, well black, cos it was dark, they heard a very high class business voice arguing with a very high pitched Kiwi voice.

"I knwo that voice!!!! ALAN!!!!"

Silence.

"Ellie???? ELLIE????"

"ALAN!!!!"

And there he was, in all his handsome glory, smiling at her. She sighed, she had missed his jaunty hat, and cheeky sile. And there was Sparky, behind him, and the kids, and a few others...blah blah but, alan...she moved forward to kiss him...

"ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GET IT AWAAAAAY FORM ME!!!! ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!" Alan screamed and started climbing the walls and bouncing off tbales in fear.

"Alan!!!! Alan, honey what is it????" Ellie grabbed him and slapped his face and he fainted in terror.

"Wow," she said, holding his limp but sexy body, "We need to revive him, and quick"


	20. The End?

_**Chapter 20**_

Ellie carried Alan over to a table and put him down. She slapped his face, kissed him, threw water over him, but nothing worked. Then Sparky came forward and touched his hand, and he woke immediately. Ellie saw this and frowned, tehn a look of complete pain filled her eyes, and she sighed, nodded, and crept to the back of the crowd gathered around Alan.

"Grant, Grant, mate, what's wrong????"

"The-the-Spino-Spinosaurus...I saw one, I know I-ARGH!!!! ARGH!!!!"

He began writhing and screaming in blood-curdling pitches, It took Ellie, Sparky, Sir Kibblespit and Spotty to hold him down, but he was still squirming and screaming in terror, since he had spotted Warren again.

"Quick, get the syringe and we'll sedate him!!!!" Ellie said to Bob.

Bob ran tohis backpack and brought out a huge needle he filled it with a clear liquid and then made his way back to the table. The people holding Alan, still kicking and screaming, turned him over, with some difficulty, and sparky pulled down hsi trousers, which Alan giggled at, then paused then started screaming again. Bob quickly pushed in the injection and Alan sighed and fell still. Everyone took a deep breath, then Warren started to whine.

"I tooooold you no one likes me, it's not faaair-"

"IF YOU DON'T BLOODY SHUT UP I'LL GIVE YOU ONE OF THESE TOO!!!!" Bob screamed at Warren.

"Quite right, old chap." Sir Kibblespit tugged on Bob's stocking and held out his claw, putting a briefcase under his arm. "Sir Kibblespit, of Kibblespit Enterprises."

"Er, hi, Bob Muldoon."

"Are you interested in buying and owning half of the business, good man???? I can tell a good businessman when I see one, and you fit the description." He smiled and put on his reading glasses. "The terms and conditions you will need to read through, but it's all just normal regulation stuff..."

While they had a conversation, Ellie turned to Sparky and said

"Sparky, I've seen the way he looks at you...."

"Spark-EY????"

"Don't pretend you don't know, Spark.." Ellie bowed her head, hiding the tears.

"Sparky...Sparky knows...Sparky knows Alan...wuvs...him." he whispered the last two words. "And...Sparky...feels the same way."

Ellie took a deep breath, and got up.

"Well, ok, I, er, think I need to be alone..."

And she walked away.

"Er...is anyone else aware that Alan's trousers are still down????"


	21. Epilogue

Epilogue...

Ellie sits in a corner, sobbing over her lost love...

Sparky worries, what will become of them all????

Alan lies blissfully unaware, sedated on a table with his buttocks showing...

Bob and Sir Kibblespit arrange their business deal...things look good for them...

Patrick and Hammy walk hand in hand, their relationship blossoming...

Lex wonders if she could be anymore annoying...

Timmy looks at SpDotty and blushes...

SpDotty looks at Timmy and blushes...

Spotty finds a skateboard to help him move...

Pam has more lipo and is finally pleased with her appearance...

Warren...whines...

Roger moans, wanting his vengeance for Pam's betrayal...

Tony wonders how he can make his dad proud...

The End...of Book One!!!!

Coming up-Jurassic Park 2:The Lost Perv

I'd like to thank my reviewers, my typing fingers, and most of all Catriona, the original Sparky, who wrote 15% of this story.

THANKS!!!!


End file.
